I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
