I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
