someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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