I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
