My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
