so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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