after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
