I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
