i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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