You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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