Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
