i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
