You just made me feel so damn special
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
