my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
