man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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