This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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