i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
