so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
