Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
