I must be too annoying 4 u.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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