i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
