i think i have herpe
just one?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
