I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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