and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
