So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
