you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
