i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
