Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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