I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
