i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
