we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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