Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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