cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
