I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time