Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.