Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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