Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
are you so shy because you have an std?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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