her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
