So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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