im having a threesome with these popsicles
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
