I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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