So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
