i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
