the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
