She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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