just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
