Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
