who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
