You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
