he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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