wakey wakey hands off snakey
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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