someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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