It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
