My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
