Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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