Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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