I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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